Davio (davio) wrote,

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flaws in oneself

I've been doing a lot of thinking about some of my more pronounced social flaws, and ways I deal with people.

I was talking with my dad, and I was making the comment, "Yeah, I tired and stressed out, and sometimes don't have the energy to be well mannered and social with people."

He commented, "Yeah, I'm not very good at being a human either."

Made me think... how much of my social interaction is a mask I put on to deal with others? I mean, we all do it (I think, or I'm more nuts than I thought). But a lot of my patience with others is only possible with a serious exertion of will.

I feel that I'm a fairly honorable and compassionate person. However, my actions and empathy is not for others... it's how I choose to live my life and be. I'm not a "good two-shoes" because I don't know the options... I've played with the options, and while there is a certain thrill to the more violent and aggressive lifestyle, it is ultimatley not who I choose to be.

However, playing with the "dark side" has left me with an understanding that sometimes violence or hostility, if used properly and with focus, can be a perfectly acceptable form of interaction. I'm definitely not sure if this is a healthy and well adjusted attitude for a social hominid to have.

If I really was the compassionate person I feel myself to be mostly, why does it take emotional energy to keep it going? At what point does it become something that's forced? Sure, forced by my own choice, but still an act that needs to be put on, a mask that needs to be donned.

Feh. Just way too much thinking, methinks.
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